The End of Times — According to reliable sources familiarized with the case, there have been several Pikachu sightings near the border with Mexico. The reports sparked an immediate response from Donald Trump, Presidential Candidate and Last Hope of All Mankind, who sent a Direct Message via Twitter (the only message service Trump he uses):
"Pokemons love me. They love me! And I love them, they're great. They are hard workers and cheap. Take those Squirtles or Charizards, for instance. I always keep two or three of those handy in case I need seltzer water or a light for my cigar. It's those damn Pikachus that need to be dealt with. They are crossing our borders, they are mischievous, and rapists. Some of them are good, I assume, and handy when you lose your iphone charger. But the US should build a huge Firewall, or else every American will end up with one of those horny little critters trying to hump the heck out of their leg."
The End of Times received a tip by an anonymous source who explained that the increase in Pikachu sightings was due to the popularization of the Pokemon Go App amongst Border Patrol officers. We tried to contact the US Border Patrol for comment, but were told that there was no one to come to the phone as they were all aimlessly walking along the border, like zombies, staring at their smartphone screens.
